Recently, I was asked by an acquaintance when my
husband and I planned to have our next child. I wasn’t sure how to answer the
question. Personally, unless I am super close with someone, I refrain from
asking people questions about their family planning. Even then, I’m careful to
couch the question in terms like “if” or “should you choose” rather than
“when.”
We’ve been getting this question, it seems,
since the moment our son was born, in my first month of motherhood. I can
remember a handful of people eagerly asking when we planned to have our second.
I remember wincing at the question, wanting to seriously question their sanity.
Di Indonesia
atau bahkan di wilayah Asia pada umumnya, orang itu hobi banget nanyain
Kalau masih
pacaran , “kapan menikah?”
Kalau udah
menikah tapi belum punya anak, “kapan punya anak?”
Kalau udah
punya anak 1, “kapan punya anak kedua?”
Ini sebenarnya
hanya basa basi orang saja, namun ini benar-benar irritating banget.
Emangnya gampang
punya anak?
Had I met their gaze, the inquirers would have
seen me staring back at them as if they had two heads. “When are you having
more?” is definitely not the question to ask someone lost in a sea of sleepless
nights and around-the-clock feedings, still searching for their comfortable
identity as a new mom.
Jujur saja, saya sangat tidak suka kalau
orang-orang menanyakan itu, seolah-olah mereka itu ga bisa mikir. Kekurangan tidur
dan sibuk mengurus bayi yang baru lahir itu belum lagi masih mencari identitas
baru sebagai seorang ibu.
As my son nears a year old, I’ve started
receiving the question more frequently. I still don’t know the answer entirely.
I no longer internally recoil at the thought of “more.” I know that we
definitely want more, eventually, but when the desire will strike to actually
have more remains to be seen.
Seasoned moms have told me that there is a
certain amount of “forgetting” that happens when the decision to add more
comes. You forget how difficult pregnancy may have been. You forget the pains
of labor and delivery. You forget the helpless newborn stage, and instead
marvel as your child blossoms into this incredible being with their own
personality.
Mendekati Raphael Oliver setahun, semakin sering
orang menanyakan, saya bersyukur pertanyaan itu bukan dating dari pihak orang
tua saya yang sungguh-sungguh melihat saya bergumul dalam transisi pasca
melahirkan dan menjadi seorang ibu.
I’ve so loved motherhood, and I’m so thankful
I’ve had to privilege to watch him grow and develop into the little person he
becomes more of every day. When I think about adding another child to our
family though, I know I’m still not ready. I’m not ready because I still
haven’t forgotten.
saya suka menjadi seorang ibu, dan saya
bersyukur setiap hari pada Tuhan bahwa saya diberi kesempatan untuk membesarkan
Raphael Oliver. Namun kalau untuk menambah lagi, rasanya saya belum siap sama
sekali. Karena saya belum lupa.
I haven’t forgotten heartburn and round ligament
pains and pregnancy insomnia. I haven’t forgotten feeling out of breath,
watching the scale creep up and up each week, and wondering what had happened
to my body. I haven’t forgotten the anxiety and worry I felt before major
doctor’s visits, hoping and praying that our tiny little being was safe and
healthy.
Saya belum lupa rasanya kehabisan nafas kalau
jalan, kekuatiran setiap kali ke dokter, takut bayinya kenapa-kenapa. Belum lagi
ngantrinya …. Minta ampun yah dokter-dokter di Indonesia, benci banget rasanya
udah cape pulang kerja mesti ngantri lagi didokter kaya ngantri sembako.
It was the same worry I felt most days, always
hoping that our sweet baby was inside growing healthy and strong—always hoping
we’d welcome a healthy child into the world with ease, but never fully knowing
that day would actually come. I haven’t forgotten grieving for the losses of
moms who could not welcome the babies due the same time as mine.
I haven’t forgotten the precarious nature of
labor and delivery. I haven’t forgotten the delicate and fragile nature of a
new baby, how every precious ounce gained was something to be celebrated. I
haven’t forgotten long nights awake with a tiny little life able to communicate
only through fitful cries. I haven’t forgotten looking into the mirror, all eye
bags and leftover belly, and wondering who that person was.
Saya belum lupa rasanya pra melahirkan, memang
akhirnya operasi, tapi nunggu 15 jam setelah air ketuban pecah, belum lagi
kontraksi setiap menit, rasanya penderitaan di ranjang rumah sakit, ga bisa
ngapa-ngapain, ga bisa ke wc. Pasca melahirkan melihat ke kaca, muka sembab,
badan mengerikan, sampai tidak mengenali lagi manusia didepan kaca itu.
I haven’t forgotten how it felt to nourish
myself and know that I was simultaneously nourishing our child. I haven’t
forgotten how it felt to watch myself grow and expand and know that our son too
was growing and changing.
I haven’t forgotten early butterflies and
flip-flops, or hours spent staring down at a rippling belly. I haven’t
forgotten seeing him for the first time, drinking in his features and sounds. I
haven’t forgotten tiny kisses, long gazes, and cradling a tiny creature whose
only desire was to be held and kept safe.
I haven’t forgotten the way my soul warmed when
my son’s lips curled for that first intentional smile or how that light
continues to burn stronger with every new smile. I haven’t forgotten first
steps and first words, first foods and stolen bites.
I haven’t forgotten the sound of the first laugh
or how proud I am every time he learns something new. I haven’t forgotten
rushing home to see him or how great it feels to be the first person to get a
morning hug.
Saya belum lupa rasanya pertama kali melihat
Raphael Oliver tertawa dan rasanya semua penderitaan itu hilang dalam sekejap
mata, rasanya ingin sekali melihat dia tertawa terus.
I haven’t forgotten how incredible it is to love
so deeply and want something you once lived without.
And because I haven’t forgotten these things, I
know I will again be ready for more—one day.
Saya belum lupa rasanya mencintai begitu dalam
dan saya pasti siap …. Mungkin….. suatu hari nanti….. entah kapan…..
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